Down · With · Dudes!

"When I find out who I am, I'm gonna know just what to do. When I put myself together again, I'm gonna give myself to you."

You are what I want and I wish that I could show you that. I've never been truly happy, not even for a minute. You've give me a glimpse of what it can be and I wish I had what it takes to let it in. I don't want to push this away nor do I want to lose this. This is the one thing that I've actually cared this much about and I intend to hold onto it. A year and a half ago, I never would have believed in my wildest dreams that it could be me and you; I hated you! Now I'm at a completely different point and I am not sure what to do with that. The idea of this is... I don't know. It has just came as a complete surprise to me and I guess that is all that can be said about that.

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why... you want to be with me. I'm nothing special. You don't give up on me. That is something that no one has ever done for me. I have never had someone I care about so much stay around; not walk out and leave me. You care enough to stay and I know that I can trust you in that. I know how you feel and don't question it. It's a reality that I have not come to complete terms with just yet, but I will. I can be a bitch, a complete basket-case and somewhat intolerable, but you don't care. You are fighting for what you want, not letting me push you out. You know I am afraid of what we have along with letting you in, but you are patient. I don't know how to put into words how much all of that means to me.

I'd be lost if it weren't for you, even in a short time. You give me hope which is not something I have really never had. I have good friends and family that support me and are there for me through it all, but I have never had anyone like you stick around when all I give are mixed signals. Don't be afraid though. You are all that I want and I promise to not let you go, whether I show it or not. One day, things will change and I will show you. Know that I give everything I have in relationships... and I will give everything that I have to you. Thank you for all you have and will do for me.

I love you Brian!

How can one person take so much from another?

As I sat in emergency for 4 1/2 hours today in mostly silence with my mom and my sister, I realized because of one person my life has been drastically changed. I wanted to believe it was all my imagination... a nightmere... but it's not. This is my new reality. How I will overcome this, I have no idea. It's not only my life that has changed. It's my whole family (mostly mom, Tara and Rande), Meka, Marchelle... to name only a few.

I recieved the most painful shot in my ass and had to take these 4 pills. I was then sick for about 3 hours with horrible cramps... and all because of a douchebag. I never understood what people ment before about this sort of thing... but I do now. My life has been fucked up and I can't change it. I want him to die for doing this to me. I want him to pay.

So I just found out how 3 of what I thought to be really good friends think about me. Man I must fail at life... none of them seem to care much if I was their friend or not in the end.

Guess I am ugly too. I mean. Whatever. But It was always bitch was prettier (which she wasn't/isn't and NEVER will be....but randoms thing some bones wrapped up in skin is hot. I don't). and now it's... I want your friend. Man Marchelle/Kels is so hot. They are and I know that. But once in my life...

Fuck it. I should shut up. I prolly just need some sleep. 4 hours wasn't enough i guess.

I'm gonna watch a movie or something. I am not going back to sleep. I'll never wake up. I honestly think if I went to sleep right now that I wouldn't have the will to wake back up. They say you die when you completely have given up. I think I have.

There is no hope for friends, a good job, a boyfriend and def. not a husband, no hope for love, or to be happy. No hope for family, or to be pretty or any hope for me. What do I really have to live for? I am afraid if I go to sleep now I really won't get up. I have never once felt this bad about myself and I used to be suicidal. That says something.

I was driving home and heard that Linkin Park song... In the End. Every word of that lame song is how I feel, at least to some extent. It was really creepy.

With that said. I am tired of not having what I really want. I can't ever have what I really want... and I am saying this outside of materialistic things, such as, my tent, camera, new clothes.... blah blah blah. I want something that isn't really out of my reach per-say... But in a way... it is. And it is shitty.

There are a couple things that won't get off my mind right now. or people that is. I am a fucked person and I should die for my thoughts. I have dis-tasteful thoughts. I should be stoned to death for their impurity.

God. And he talks about _______ being a bad friend to me. He can go fuck himself. He fucking asked me something and when I tell him he fucking tells me his opinion. I don't want your opinion. A feeling is something that you cant control. It's just how you feel. I'd make this feeling disappear if I was able. Fuck that. I don't want to feel like this. If I can't make this feeling go away in a fucking year...

Fuck this shit. I am going to fucking sleep. Hope I actually can.

I think that The Slackers said it best.

I am really lonely tonight. Like I just want to be in someones arms. Not to do anything... not to say anything. I just want to feel safe and not so... alone. I know this is just another phase I have to get through... but I am alone. If anyone wants to spend a night with me being EMO, tell me.

I am hanging out with Gage tomorrow because he is the one thing that can get me going and know I have a purpose in life. I need that right now.

I am glad I didn't lose my best friend today. I need you in my life to keep me sane. I love you.

"I'm so sick of love songs. So tired of tears. So done with wishin' you were still here. Said I'm so sick of love songs, so sad and slow. So why can't I turn off the radio?"

God. All I really want is to not be so alone. But I don't trust anyone enough to let in. I'm happy single... most the time. But recently I have realized all my relationships with people (friends, family, more than friends) are pointless. No one REALLY cares about me. People don't want to be with me... and I am trying to figure out who I should actually trust. I'm so lost.