Down With Dudes!

SO my names says that I hate dudes...

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 19:54:40 GMT

But I don't anymore.... I love Steve.

Lets walk into the sunshine.

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 03:46:42 GMT

"When I find out who I am, I'm gonna know just what to do. When I put myself together again, I'm gonna give myself to you."

You are what I want and I wish that I could show you that. I've never been truly happy, not even for a minute. You've give me a glimpse of what it can be and I wish I had what it takes to let it in. I don't want to push this away nor do I want to lose this. This is the one thing that I've actually cared this much about and I intend to hold onto it. A year and a half ago, I never would have believed in my wildest dreams that it could be me and you; I hated you! Now I'm at a completely different point and I am not sure what to do with that. The idea of this is... I don't know. It has just came as a complete surprise to me and I guess that is all that can be said about that.

I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why... you want to be with me. I'm nothing special. You don't give up on me. That is something that no one has ever done for me. I have never had someone I care about so much stay around; not walk out and leave me. You care enough to stay and I know that I can trust you in that. I know how you feel and don't question it. It's a reality that I have not come to complete terms with just yet, but I will. I can be a bitch, a complete basket-case and somewhat intolerable, but you don't care. You are fighting for what you want, not letting me push you out. You know I am afraid of what we have along with letting you in, but you are patient. I don't know how to put into words how much all of that means to me.

I'd be lost if it weren't for you, even in a short time. You give me hope which is not something I have really never had. I have good friends and family that support me and are there for me through it all, but I have never had anyone like you stick around when all I give are mixed signals. Don't be afraid though. You are all that I want and I promise to not let you go, whether I show it or not. One day, things will change and I will show you. Know that I give everything I have in relationships... and I will give everything that I have to you. Thank you for all you have and will do for me.

I love you Brian!

When lies become the truth...

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 05:37:34 GMT

Marcus got his ass beat by 4 girls at the club. I watched it all go down and it made me feel slightly better. Mekas hards got all cut up and so did her friends (who doesn't even know me). They all got thrown out, and my sister too (for throwing a beer bottle at him).

We got outside and Meka gave me his chain that she ripped from his neck. I love her.

Good comes from everything... even the bad.

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 12:43:59 GMT

Even though something so horrible happened to me, I am finding out who my real friends really are.

I want to thank all of the people who have been there for me and praying for me and such.It means the world to me and I am thankful to have you in my life! I'd be lost without your support!

If only...

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 21:36:13 GMT

That is all we can really say, isn't it?

For those of you who know what this means.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 04:20:03 GMT

How can one person take so much from another?

As I sat in emergency for 4 1/2 hours today in mostly silence with my mom and my sister, I realized because of one person my life has been drastically changed. I wanted to believe it was all my imagination... a nightmere... but it's not. This is my new reality. How I will overcome this, I have no idea. It's not only my life that has changed. It's my whole family (mostly mom, Tara and Rande), Meka, Marchelle... to name only a few.

I recieved the most painful shot in my ass and had to take these 4 pills. I was then sick for about 3 hours with horrible cramps... and all because of a douchebag. I never understood what people ment before about this sort of thing... but I do now. My life has been fucked up and I can't change it. I want him to die for doing this to me. I want him to pay.

No more live journal!

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 12:42:05 GMT

Yeah. This thing sucks. I think I am done using it. I may write everyone once in a great while... we'll see.

Glad you care!

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 08:27:15 GMT

Haha. Funny. Glad you guys care enough to even respond to that last post.

I guess I really do need new friends.

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 00:13:45 GMT

Im with Anthony and Marchelle on this one! I need new friends... cause I care about the ones I have now than they do about me.

I am home almost every weekend for something... been doctors apt. lately... and I let everyone know... but does anyone call? NOPE! And if we make plans... they back out. I am sick of it.

At least my birthday was the best I had in a while... my friend Jason threw me a party Saturday and then I had my family party on Sunday. Mom got me a digital camera and Tara got me Pistons tickets against Dallas!!! Then Mom and Rande came up to take me to dinner in Mt. Pleasant and then we went to the casino and I wone $200 on the nickle machines... with $5!! WOO! And I still haven't went to eat and get my present from Dad yet. Going out with my sister and her friends and Marchelle this friday too! It's been awesome!

Horray for today!

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 05:59:58 GMT

My Birthday and I am legal now! It's already been a good birthday and I am only an hour into it. No thanks to you!

The epitome of all that is bad in the world!

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 18:05:28 GMT

Damn Furry boots!

Popped collars!

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 18:08:47 GMT

Weirdest thing ever. David Allen Coe is playing at the Machine Shop on March 25th. He is so racist. He's going to get shot in Flint!

I made this pretty

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 05:26:14 GMT

I am just excited because I made my el jay page super sweet! simple and sweet!

well I am so glad I got out of bed for this shit

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 07:14:27 GMT

So I just found out how 3 of what I thought to be really good friends think about me. Man I must fail at life... none of them seem to care much if I was their friend or not in the end.

Guess I am ugly too. I mean. Whatever. But It was always bitch was prettier (which she wasn't/isn't and NEVER will be....but randoms thing some bones wrapped up in skin is hot. I don't). and now it's... I want your friend. Man Marchelle/Kels is so hot. They are and I know that. But once in my life...

Fuck it. I should shut up. I prolly just need some sleep. 4 hours wasn't enough i guess.

I'm gonna watch a movie or something. I am not going back to sleep. I'll never wake up. I honestly think if I went to sleep right now that I wouldn't have the will to wake back up. They say you die when you completely have given up. I think I have.

There is no hope for friends, a good job, a boyfriend and def. not a husband, no hope for love, or to be happy. No hope for family, or to be pretty or any hope for me. What do I really have to live for? I am afraid if I go to sleep now I really won't get up. I have never once felt this bad about myself and I used to be suicidal. That says something.

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 00:58:20 GMT

Man. My back is killing me. Guess that is what I get for getting used to sleeping on my waterbed for like a month.

I think I had fun last night. I flipped the fuck out and don't remember any of it. Seriously. I don't even really remembering dancing with anyone. I remember talking to Matt and telling him to come dance with me... after that I can't remember much. I have no idea if I ever talked to him again or if I danced with him. It was fucked up.

I should go read some business law. YEAY!

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 07:53:54 GMT

So Marchelles birthday was fun.. I guess.

I skanked a whole bunch. We got almost the whole place skanking to ... something. Kels knows. Haha. People here dont even know what skanking is here. LAME! But they all did it. Then the next song when we stopped doing it... they still were. Kinda sweet.

Good... something.. and good drinking.... hahaha. a few of you know what I am talking about

I love my Kasie. Get a hold of me man.

So sick of love songs.

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 09:22:02 GMT

I was driving home and heard that Linkin Park song... In the End. Every word of that lame song is how I feel, at least to some extent. It was really creepy.

With that said. I am tired of not having what I really want. I can't ever have what I really want... and I am saying this outside of materialistic things, such as, my tent, camera, new clothes.... blah blah blah. I want something that isn't really out of my reach per-say... But in a way... it is. And it is shitty.

There are a couple things that won't get off my mind right now. or people that is. I am a fucked person and I should die for my thoughts. I have dis-tasteful thoughts. I should be stoned to death for their impurity.

God. And he talks about _______ being a bad friend to me. He can go fuck himself. He fucking asked me something and when I tell him he fucking tells me his opinion. I don't want your opinion. A feeling is something that you cant control. It's just how you feel. I'd make this feeling disappear if I was able. Fuck that. I don't want to feel like this. If I can't make this feeling go away in a fucking year...

Fuck this shit. I am going to fucking sleep. Hope I actually can.

Roll out the stretcher, and make me feel better.

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 05:15:47 GMT

I think that The Slackers said it best.

I am really lonely tonight. Like I just want to be in someones arms. Not to do anything... not to say anything. I just want to feel safe and not so... alone. I know this is just another phase I have to get through... but I am alone. If anyone wants to spend a night with me being EMO, tell me.

I am hanging out with Gage tomorrow because he is the one thing that can get me going and know I have a purpose in life. I need that right now.

I am glad I didn't lose my best friend today. I need you in my life to keep me sane. I love you.

"I'm so sick of love songs. So tired of tears. So done with wishin' you were still here. Said I'm so sick of love songs, so sad and slow. So why can't I turn off the radio?"

God. All I really want is to not be so alone. But I don't trust anyone enough to let in. I'm happy single... most the time. But recently I have realized all my relationships with people (friends, family, more than friends) are pointless. No one REALLY cares about me. People don't want to be with me... and I am trying to figure out who I should actually trust. I'm so lost.

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 20:26:49 GMT

In the year 2006 I resolve to:

Point and laugh more.

Get your resolution here

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 16:10:39 GMT

Tomorrow is my last official day off for break for an entire year! Anyone wanna do something cool?

I was driving, well... really I was stopped, and I wasn't paying attention that the light turned green which probably saved my life cause someone ran the light doing at least 65 (prolly faster).

I heard that lame song, the Dirty Little Secret song today and I laughed.

I can't stop listening to coheed lately, like the last 3 days, that is all I have really wanted to listen to.

Computer STILL isn't right and I have to give it up for a little while longer... so I don't know if I'll have it by the time that I go back, so I am not sure how that wil play out. SHIT!

I'm really confused right now. I need to take a shower then go back to sleep. Being awake is over rated.

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 03:14:48 GMT

It's killing me.

I want to die.

Not right this minute, but maybe later on tonight!

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 17:34:12 GMT

I have nothing of value to say. I'm bored and my phone has no screen so I can't call anyone. This is lame. SO I can't hang out with anyone unless they contact me, which is totally unlikely! lame.

New el jay. Only, This one is kinda old actually.

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 15:58:20 GMT

People are added. I am happy that I have a few friends who care about what I do have to say. Means alot guys!!!

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 19:45:44 GMT

ahh. i think i will be using this el jay... not cause i hate dudes anymore, but because i think it i time to not write my other one anymore, and i already have this one. in fact, i like dudes more than i like chics. i am in this awesome mood today and i am loving it. ive been being emo, and for what? what is the point in that? nothing. that is gay... so no more emoness for now.

went to my apt and it isnt THAT bad. haha. we need power though. ehh.

more later!